Noita

this game is so ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ hard that it is on other level its like playing terraria while being jerked off with sand paper and they are spilling hot sauce on your ♥♥♥♥ and you don't have any arms and legs and your gay

A fun little physics-based platformer with customizable spells for different effects. Discover knowledge locked away by ignorance. Locked? But it was always there... The gods didn't make it, it just exists. Do gods exist? I've gained so much knowledge; the only god I see here is me. There's a whole world out here, and it belongs to me. Ok so it turns out there are infinite worlds in every direction. I was arrogant to think I had any control. I created suns. Had to break the world to do it. Several worlds actually. This insatiable hunger for knowledge has driven me to collide the cosmos. Beautiful. Knowledge isn't power; it's a curse. Every ending is another beginning and every beginning brings an inevitable ending. Nothing matters. When will it end? Did it even begin? Everything just.. is. Was?? I figured it out. The pinnacle of knowledge leads to ignorance. The irony. Nothing matters, the universe is alive and cruel, and something about eggs and mushrooms. I dunno anymore. 10/10, perfect game.

[h2] So, I have FINALLY 100% this hardcore game, so what can I say [/h2] I actually cannot believe I have managed to ''finish'' this gem of a game and am writing this review today. It has been 5 YEARS, since I started playing this on and off and honestly, it was one of the most excruciating yet absolutely fcking beautiful experiences I've ever had in gaming. I still have goals within the game I want to reach, but I finally unlocked my last steam achievement, so it's time to talk about it. Noita, which means ''Witch'' in Finnish, is without a doubt one of the best rogue-likes, if not one of the Best Single Player games of all time. Hands down. I will be the first to point out, that it is one million percent the [b] Hardest [/b] rogue-like I've ever played. Everything and I mean [u] Everything [/u] in the game, wants and will eventually try to kill you. [b] Including Yourself. [/b] Honestly especially yourself. A huge chunk of my runs ended by me saying ''huh what does this do?'' a few seconds before nuking myself and my whole screen and then going ''... what exactly did I expect to happen?'' Like a true alchemist, I played with laws of nature to terrorize this worlds inhabitants with my creations and my personal knowledge of the game, right until I finished the so called ''tutorial'' (killing the ''final boss'') multiple times and achieved my first god run. After that, I unlocked the [i] True Knowledge [/i] of wiki. Disclaimer: For the Noita elitists coming for me, No I did not finish all achievement pillars yet, but I did finish the Sun Quest without mods on my 4th God Run Attempt and am planning to also finish the 33 orb peaceful ending, so I do have some credence to speak and my golden crown. Now GET OFF MY DCK This game is a true rogue-like game. You do not unlock perma upgrades (kinda) like more health/dmg/resistances and other stuff featured in games like Hades. Your true perma ''unlocks'', are your [u] Knowledge. [/u] The more you play, the more you know, the more ways you have to bullsht the game that constantly tries to bullsht you. The game is centered around the historical lore of alchemy and Finnish folklore. I mean, all of the creatures and items are straight up in Finnish. It's a game all about secrets. The only heads up you get is about the controls, but that's it. Everything else? You gotta find out yourself. 99% of the time, the hard way. This game has this beautiful way of giving you a false sense of security, before absolutely obliterating you in the most unexpected way possible. You have 1 million health? Great, you're no longer a coughing baby. You're now A teenager Spartan in a cave filled with 50 wolves. You might just have a slight chance of survival. That's because there is this ''All roads lead to Rome'' mechanic, called [u] Polymorph. [/u] Even if you're an Actual God, with 99% dmg resistance, 6+ stacks of shields, invisible, with all immunities , millions of hp, infinite healing and a wand capable of violating every single human right imaginable, this nightmare of a liquid can whenever turn you into a [i] Harmless sheep [/i] and murder you in a fraction of a second. I have lost runs that were long +10 hours to that thing. Now I am deathly scared of anything pink or purple. [b] Thank you Noita. [/b] I know this review is all over the place, but like a cracked out alchemist high on mushrooms, I could never make this review properly segmented, so bare with me please. The story of this game is... interesting. It's cryptic to a point, where the whole community STILL can't figure out all of it's secrets. But it's INSANELY intriguing. I will not spoil anything, because finding out these things is the fun of it, but I can tell you, if I didn't use a wiki, this 100% would take A THOUSAND hours at the least. The game is IMMENSE, packed with content and the fact that [b] Every pixel [/b] reacts and can be destroyed? An absolute curse and a blessing. I have not found any game truly like this, with this depth Ever. For those comparing it to Terraria, as someone who has 1k+ hours in it, shut up. You sound dumb. Not even close. And I love Terraria. The gameplay tho, that's where it's all at. The game on the surface is simple enough. You spawn, you travel down, game gets harder, you die, until you can travel a bit more further. But the bread and butter of the game, is [i] Wand Crafting. [/i] A lot of the time, you will spend crafting abominable wands, in which you can put an enormous 400+ spells into, their interactions, synergies and ways to kill/quickly traverse/heal/utilize them, to make your dream of finishing the Great Work of alchemists come true. The 250h of play time does not correctly show the Actual time I've spent with this game. I literally STUDIED spells and what they can do, liquid interactions, map memorizing, boss hunt strategizing, making FCKING CHECKLISTS so I don't lose track of my goals... like bruh, if I tallied all of that, the game time would be around 300-350 atleast. The game, is A LOT. Nowadays I can make maybe 50% of runs into a god run. If you need any help with the game, I strongly advise you to check out 2 content creators in specific; DunkOrSlam and FuryForged. Without them, I would not have gotten to where I got, hats off to those gentlemen. I just want to quickly clear out by what I mean a ''God Run''. Basically when you find out a very crucial piece of knowledge, you'll realize, that you can get an enormous amount of perks, health and immunities and become virtually indestructible to most inhabitants and spells. This DOES NOT mean, you're immortal. You just became a fledgling God, that should be feared. But to Noita, you're still in the ''coughing baby vs a nuke'' situation. There is always a way to die, unless you do a tremendous amounts of work. And even then, a stray polymorph projectile that glitched through your shields can kill you. I've lost extremely long runs to this, TWICE. I accidentally turned myself into gold. Accidentally turned myself into p!ss. I ate too many hallucinogenic mushrooms and exploded. I pet my pet monster too much, it exploded from excitement, killing me. When it comes to graphical and music design of the game, it's beauty in minimalism paired with complex gameplay, is what [u] keeps making me come back. [/u] It's very beautiful in it's simple pixelated way, as well as absolutely terrifying. It's like a toxic relationship. It breaks my heart constantly, but I keep coming back, because the sex is just too good. Now, about the 100% journey. Oh boy. I doubt there is a game harder (atleast for me) to complete. This is a Completionist Nightmare. And it only has [b] 14 Achievements. [/b] There is just simply so much to do. Equip all perks, Find and Use all spells and kill Every enemy are obviously the hardest, with the perk one being the easiest of the three. That's because some enemies have a VERY SMALL spawn chance and some are straight up locked to spawn only during certain days of the year in REAL TIME. Aswell as some spells being rare or hidden behind quests you have to complete. Steam doesn't even mirror the True 100%, which is represented by the in game Achievement pillars. I am telling you, it took me 5 years of on and off gaming to achieve a mere Steam Achievements 100%. I have no idea if I'll ever finish all pillars. All in all, this game is truly one of the greatest gaming experiences I've had in gaming, period. But if you're a casual gamer, it's REALLY hard. I'd advise you to watch some guides, so you're not just suffering constantly, but if you're a hardcore gamer like me, you should really give it a fair shot and go into it blind. Atleast until you beat the ''tutorial'' or get your first God Run. Then use wikis to get an exponential amount of more play time. This might straight up be the closest game to a 10/10 I've ever rated and it's not even my most favorite game. [h2] They should not change anything, it's simply as perfect as it can be. 9.8/10 [/h2]